I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
