my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
