im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
