Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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