On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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