my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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