This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
