my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
