My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
