ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
