Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
