forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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