Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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