laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
