Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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