She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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