Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
