So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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