lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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