We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
