I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
