Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
