My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I love having hate sex.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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