Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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