Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
