The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i need some magic done to my vagina
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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