He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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