I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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