Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
