So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
