my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
