I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
