it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
