I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
