??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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