I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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