Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
