my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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