wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
