I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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