never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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