Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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