I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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