Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
