Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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