worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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