Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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