Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
