Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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