My cat gives me a boner
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
