I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
