Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
