Pregnant stripper...not hot.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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