so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
