got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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