my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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