Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize