o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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